I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
