3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
