My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
