I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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