He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
