And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
