Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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