Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
