it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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