DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
