last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
