I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
