Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
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did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
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My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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