At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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