Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
