i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.