i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
