The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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