can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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