Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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