I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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