Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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