I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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