don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
