my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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