Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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