Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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