I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
