dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Let's get the cat blown out
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
