i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
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just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
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I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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