He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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