Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
