Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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