I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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