the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
