Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
