I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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