I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
