there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can you bring me the toilet please
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
