She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
