Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
