If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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