when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
