Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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