absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
