My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
