The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
