She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
