The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
