Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
