i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
