That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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