and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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