Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
