so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
