If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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