Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
