Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
